Tuesday, September 1, 2009

ELR Fan Mail #1

Well, kids, it’s time once again to take pen in hand and head over to the ELR mailbag to answer some fan mail. We regret that due to volume we can’t respond to every letter that finds its way to the blog, but we try to get to as much of it as we can. Our first letter comes from little Jenny Mason in Council Bluffs, IA. Jenny writes:

Dear Esoteric Literary Reference,

Are you the same Steve Theiss who took my favorite toy car when your family came over to my house for dinner in 1986? I say took but I mean stole. You stole it. I didn’t even want you to play with it. When you asked if you could, I said no and then when I got back from the bathroom your family was gone and the car was nowhere to be seen. Then the next day I noticed it was missing. I thought I’d never see it again, but then I read your stupid no-topic blog when I was simultaneously Googling the words “haiku” and “Wednesday” for no reason.

You are a jerk. Give me back my toy car. It’s the only thing that reminds me of my childhood and the relative innocence of my life back then. Before all the divorces.

In Hatred of Your Steal-y Face,
Jenny Mason
Council Bluffs, IA

P.S. - I hope you got rug burns all over your legs when you played with my favorite toy on the floor. You thief.

Dear Jenny,

Thanks for the letter. It’s always good to hear from a fan.

In answer to your question, no, of course I am not the same Steve Theiss who “stole” your toy car. In fact, from the way you describe it in your letter, it sounds more like this other Steve Theiss just borrowed the white toy car. Seems to me like you practically gave it to him.

Jenny, you can’t play the part of the generous friend and then get upset when people take advantage of your hospitality. (Although your letter hints that life has taught you a few lessons since then -- good for you!) Plus, if it really was your "favorite toy car", then why did you let the blue flame decals on the sides get all peely? Don’t they have super glue in Council Bluffs?

Anyway, we at Esoteric Literary Reference hope you find your long-lost toy, or at least find something to fill the emotional void with. We suggest Chunky Monkey ice cream. No matter how much you eat, you’ll never be as chunky as that monkey!

Esoteric Literary Reference Letter Reply Dept.

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